Tuesday, October 15, 2002
Read the post before (Oct 11) to fully understand this entry.
Hello! This is John “Straight as a Bent Nail” Wong reporting via AIM with Lynnette “Chillin With The 1-point-somethin Billion” Li from China. Getting the latest scoop on the “International Rules of Sports Related Butt Slapping” (All IM-ing by Lynnette were kept to 98% accuracy. They have just been rearranged to fit this interview better. But all of BeiTieChoong's were rewritten to better bend Miss Li's true meaning.)
Ø Beitiechoong: Hellos Miss Li
Ø FermataLi3: Hello
Ø Baytiechoong: you mind if I use your actual Screen Name?
Ø FermataLi3: you can call me renren…. my chinese name it will be a more authentic account
Ø Baytiechoong: Okay RenRen
Ø RenRen: li ren ren
Ø Baytiechoong: Okay Li Ren Ren
Ø Li Ren Ren: li lao shi
Ø Baytiechoong: Okay Li Lao Shi…
Ø Li Lao Shi: MASTER LI!!! I can be MASTER LI!!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Okay…Master Li…
Ø Master Li: ha ha ha!!! It's your choice of course.
Ø Baytiechoong: I like FermataLi3.
Ø Master Li: go for it, you are the master mind behind this butt slapping madness. YOU ARE SOOOOOO COOL!!!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Why thank you. Down to business now…I am here to collect information from you about the Butt Slapping Rituals outside of the United States. From China to be exact…will you like to participate?
Ø FermataLi3: I'd be happy to participate in your collecting information.
Ø Baytiechoong: Good, so how is the Butt Slap here? Do they even do it at all?
Ø FermataLi3: YES!!!! and all of them do it!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Really?
Ø FermataLi3: they slap butts... ALL THE TIME!! and it's not your typical.. flat handed quick patt or slap...
Ø Baytiechoong: Please go on…the suspense is killing me.
Ø FermataLi3: HA HA HA HA HA it's more like.. cupped hand, linger for a while on the center of the cheek slap!!!
Ø Baytiechoong: That’s some serious slapage going on there! One could say it’s really bending the John Not Gay Wong’s (No Relations) Rules of ritual Butt Slapping. Please, Explain the rules of engagement a little more when one has made contact with another’s cheek.
Ø FermataLi3: center of the cheek, cupped palm, slightly lingering.. even solid contact.. with a little shake. like…place palm on cheek.. and wiggle!!!!
some major jelly action….
Ø Baytiechoong: THAT’S A CLEAR VIOLATION OF THE RULES!!!
Ø FermataLi3: YES!!!! and all of them do it!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Crazy…and let me continue to ask…what situations do these butt slaps come in? Please let it only be in sports.
Ø FermataLi3: no… these guys use this slap like it's 100% natural form of communication. It can be found accompanying a good hearty laugh. Or used as a "hello!!".
Ø Baytiechoong: THIS IS HERESY!!!
Ø FermataLi3: ha ha ha… sometimes in a large crowd.. a slight contact between one friends hand and another man's cheek keeps the two from losing each other in the madness.
Ø Baytiechoong: !?!?!?! A Chain of BUTT CLENCHING!?!?!? HAVEN’T THESE PEOPLE HEARD OF HOLDING HANDS!?!? Hmmm…maybe a bunch of men holding hands isn’t all together the better. BUT THEY CAN ATLEAST HOLD EACH OTHER’S SHOULDERS!!!
Ø FermataLi3: but there is one exception…
Ø Baytiechoong: These people have an EXCEPTION?!?! EVEN THOUGH AFTER ALL OF THE BLATANT DISREGARDS OF JOHN’S RULES!?!?!? Humor me…
Ø FermataLi3: you cannot touch the cheek intentionally.. of a man who's butt you are not friends with. that is.. no stranger slaps, we're talking old friends here. for a country without toilet seats.. these people sure do take time to caress the cheeks.
Ø Baytiechoong: Well…maybe some of them ran out of toilet paper and were forced to use splintery shrubbery for back up. At which point…they really do need to caress the cheeks…but I’m guessing this is better than the “Let me Kiss your Boo Boo approach. Well…I’m done with my international report. Thank you very much Miss Li.
Ø FermataLi3: i'm so glad i could help.
Ø Baytiechoong: While I’m here…is there anything I could help you with in return for this favor?
Ø FermataLi3: YES!!!! send me lots of hot men!!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Umm…I’ll try my best.
There You have it folks, The rules of engagement for hand to cheek in China. In America we are greeted with a firm hand shake, and in Europe we have the cheek kiss…while in China they come at you with a full force Butt Fondle. So remember…the next time you are in China to visit a close relative…skip the everyday routine of the “handshake with a hug”… and really make then feel loved with the “hugging butt rub”. How to do you say? Let me give you a quick run down.
1.) You must engage the Butt Rub Greeting in the FRONT. Not back…you come from the back some people might think it weird.
2.) Go right for the cheeks…Don’t send mixed signals. Let your Chinese compatriot know that this is an everyday normal greeting. So there will be no chance of mistaken you for being gay later.
3.) One hand for each cheek. And the contact must be perfect at all times. It will send a Wrong signal if you miss and you go feeling around back there to acquire the correct positioning.
4.) Once the proper contact has been formed, you must hold onto each glut firmly. Not to soft or again you will be sending out the wrong message. And not too hard to make the other person thing they’ve done something wrong to you. But once a firm grasp has been reached, you must part each muscle so that there will be a nice divide in the middle. A remember…I said a NICE divide…not make a replica to the grand canyon. If you spread the cheeks to wide you may cause bleeding with some serious damage.
Now with all the requirements about having been reached. You must move the muscles in a circular fashion. One clockwise and the other counter-clockwise. And preferably at different speeds. One really slow and the other extreamly fast. The greater the speed difference the better your “butt greeting” will be. Now if this last step is to hard for you…don’t worry…Like our interviewee said in the interview above said…you can just give it a good wiggle and a jiggle. Just remember to keep the offset speed going. My personal recommendation is to do the Jiggle as fast as you can and keep the Wiggle at a nice slow pace.
Hello! This is John “Straight as a Bent Nail” Wong reporting via AIM with Lynnette “Chillin With The 1-point-somethin Billion” Li from China. Getting the latest scoop on the “International Rules of Sports Related Butt Slapping” (All IM-ing by Lynnette were kept to 98% accuracy. They have just been rearranged to fit this interview better. But all of BeiTieChoong's were rewritten to better bend Miss Li's true meaning.)
Ø Beitiechoong: Hellos Miss Li
Ø FermataLi3: Hello
Ø Baytiechoong: you mind if I use your actual Screen Name?
Ø FermataLi3: you can call me renren…. my chinese name it will be a more authentic account
Ø Baytiechoong: Okay RenRen
Ø RenRen: li ren ren
Ø Baytiechoong: Okay Li Ren Ren
Ø Li Ren Ren: li lao shi
Ø Baytiechoong: Okay Li Lao Shi…
Ø Li Lao Shi: MASTER LI!!! I can be MASTER LI!!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Okay…Master Li…
Ø Master Li: ha ha ha!!! It's your choice of course.
Ø Baytiechoong: I like FermataLi3.
Ø Master Li: go for it, you are the master mind behind this butt slapping madness. YOU ARE SOOOOOO COOL!!!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Why thank you. Down to business now…I am here to collect information from you about the Butt Slapping Rituals outside of the United States. From China to be exact…will you like to participate?
Ø FermataLi3: I'd be happy to participate in your collecting information.
Ø Baytiechoong: Good, so how is the Butt Slap here? Do they even do it at all?
Ø FermataLi3: YES!!!! and all of them do it!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Really?
Ø FermataLi3: they slap butts... ALL THE TIME!! and it's not your typical.. flat handed quick patt or slap...
Ø Baytiechoong: Please go on…the suspense is killing me.
Ø FermataLi3: HA HA HA HA HA it's more like.. cupped hand, linger for a while on the center of the cheek slap!!!
Ø Baytiechoong: That’s some serious slapage going on there! One could say it’s really bending the John Not Gay Wong’s (No Relations) Rules of ritual Butt Slapping. Please, Explain the rules of engagement a little more when one has made contact with another’s cheek.
Ø FermataLi3: center of the cheek, cupped palm, slightly lingering.. even solid contact.. with a little shake. like…place palm on cheek.. and wiggle!!!!
some major jelly action….
Ø Baytiechoong: THAT’S A CLEAR VIOLATION OF THE RULES!!!
Ø FermataLi3: YES!!!! and all of them do it!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Crazy…and let me continue to ask…what situations do these butt slaps come in? Please let it only be in sports.
Ø FermataLi3: no… these guys use this slap like it's 100% natural form of communication. It can be found accompanying a good hearty laugh. Or used as a "hello!!".
Ø Baytiechoong: THIS IS HERESY!!!
Ø FermataLi3: ha ha ha… sometimes in a large crowd.. a slight contact between one friends hand and another man's cheek keeps the two from losing each other in the madness.
Ø Baytiechoong: !?!?!?! A Chain of BUTT CLENCHING!?!?!? HAVEN’T THESE PEOPLE HEARD OF HOLDING HANDS!?!? Hmmm…maybe a bunch of men holding hands isn’t all together the better. BUT THEY CAN ATLEAST HOLD EACH OTHER’S SHOULDERS!!!
Ø FermataLi3: but there is one exception…
Ø Baytiechoong: These people have an EXCEPTION?!?! EVEN THOUGH AFTER ALL OF THE BLATANT DISREGARDS OF JOHN’S RULES!?!?!? Humor me…
Ø FermataLi3: you cannot touch the cheek intentionally.. of a man who's butt you are not friends with. that is.. no stranger slaps, we're talking old friends here. for a country without toilet seats.. these people sure do take time to caress the cheeks.
Ø Baytiechoong: Well…maybe some of them ran out of toilet paper and were forced to use splintery shrubbery for back up. At which point…they really do need to caress the cheeks…but I’m guessing this is better than the “Let me Kiss your Boo Boo approach. Well…I’m done with my international report. Thank you very much Miss Li.
Ø FermataLi3: i'm so glad i could help.
Ø Baytiechoong: While I’m here…is there anything I could help you with in return for this favor?
Ø FermataLi3: YES!!!! send me lots of hot men!!!
Ø Baytiechoong: Umm…I’ll try my best.
There You have it folks, The rules of engagement for hand to cheek in China. In America we are greeted with a firm hand shake, and in Europe we have the cheek kiss…while in China they come at you with a full force Butt Fondle. So remember…the next time you are in China to visit a close relative…skip the everyday routine of the “handshake with a hug”… and really make then feel loved with the “hugging butt rub”. How to do you say? Let me give you a quick run down.
1.) You must engage the Butt Rub Greeting in the FRONT. Not back…you come from the back some people might think it weird.
2.) Go right for the cheeks…Don’t send mixed signals. Let your Chinese compatriot know that this is an everyday normal greeting. So there will be no chance of mistaken you for being gay later.
3.) One hand for each cheek. And the contact must be perfect at all times. It will send a Wrong signal if you miss and you go feeling around back there to acquire the correct positioning.
4.) Once the proper contact has been formed, you must hold onto each glut firmly. Not to soft or again you will be sending out the wrong message. And not too hard to make the other person thing they’ve done something wrong to you. But once a firm grasp has been reached, you must part each muscle so that there will be a nice divide in the middle. A remember…I said a NICE divide…not make a replica to the grand canyon. If you spread the cheeks to wide you may cause bleeding with some serious damage.
Now with all the requirements about having been reached. You must move the muscles in a circular fashion. One clockwise and the other counter-clockwise. And preferably at different speeds. One really slow and the other extreamly fast. The greater the speed difference the better your “butt greeting” will be. Now if this last step is to hard for you…don’t worry…Like our interviewee said in the interview above said…you can just give it a good wiggle and a jiggle. Just remember to keep the offset speed going. My personal recommendation is to do the Jiggle as fast as you can and keep the Wiggle at a nice slow pace.
