Friday, October 11, 2002
Parental discretion is advised…this is RATED R…there will be sexual situations, course language, and questionable situations.
Now with the warning out of the way…I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping up with the blog site. So I’ll fill here for the past week. Yes…this will be long.
This past Sat…went to basketball…haven’t seen Bobby Hung in a long time. He came out of the bathroom. I greeted him with…”HEY BOB! What’s up!?” And gave him a nice hearty slap on the butt. Bob’s reply was, “WHAT THE G?!” And made an action like he was going to hit me in the chicken. Of course I went with the two handed chicken shield. (I don’t know why we men do this “shield” cause if we get hit in the hand…we end up hitting our own chicken.) After a tense moment…Bob and I both laugh and he walks away. Don’t worry…I didn’t take advantage of him…if fact I bought him Vietnamese “Pho” later on. So in fact…I paid him well for his services. HAHAHAHAHA
For girls reading this…let me explain something before you guys go into. “Don’t all guys touch each other’s butts?” The sad answer is…No…there are only two situations where a guy is allowed to touch another guy’s butt. 1.) If both male parties are gay. (Which I’m not.) 2.) Sports ritual. Now there are rules to the sports ritual…you’ll see where I broke the law…therefore giving Bob the reason to hit my chicken.
The Sports Ritual of Butt Slapping: (number of stars = the importance of the rule) By John Not Gay Wong
1.) ***You may only engage in the butt slapping ritual only after a good sports play has been done. (This is where I broke my rule with Bob…He just came out of the bathroom…therefore no good play was done…therefore showing that I was clearly in violation of rule #1.)
2.) *You may only slap the player’s butt that is currently in the game during the “great play”. There is a slight “sideline/bench” addition to this rule explained in 3. (So you may not slap a player’s butt who’s in the side line with you and exclaim, “great play!”)
3.) **Due to the restrictions of most sports, one cannot just run out to the field/court and slap the player’s butt at will. Here is where we post the sideline time limit law. You may engage in the butt slap as the player/players come back to the sideline during a timeout or substitution. Here…if the team has been doing well in general…the “butt slap” greeter may slap all incoming player’s butt. The time limit is only when the players are coming out during the game. Therefore you are in violation if you do the butt slap 5 years later at a high school reunion.
4.) *****There is a time limit in how long you can keep your hand on the butt. The butt slap must be clean and crisp in its duration. You may not keep your hand there for longer than a second. The longest this guy’s ever gotten it was 7 seconds. On Phil Sexual Chocolate Hsu…after 5 seconds Phil asked with a slightly agitated voice, “What are you doing!?!?” Before knocking my hand off and then walking as far away from me as possible. It’s all okay…that was to show Ting the effects of a person violating rule 4. Now I don’t recommend everyone doing this. Phil is a close and personal friend…we play smear the queer this past Tuesday. So we are pretty tight. And that’s the only reason why I didn’t get beat down in the spot.
5.) ****Location must be all cheek. There will be no touching of the other player’s crack. Your player is not a drug dealer…and even if he was…I’m sure that’s not the type of crack he would want to be dealing to you. The only exception to the rule is in football…when the middle linebacker is hiking the ball to the QB. Even this has rules…if you pay attention…the QB during this time is paying attention to everything else except for the guys butt.
6.) *********THERE WILL BE NO SQUEEZING OF THE FINGERS WHILE IN CONTACT WITH THE PLAYERS BUTT! I REPEAT! NO SQUEEZING, NO TWITCHING, NO CIRCULAR MOTIONING, OR FONDELING OF THE OTHER PLAYER’S BUTT! No matter how you try to explain yourself…you will get beat.
7.) ****The coach’s butt is off limits at all times. And he may only be subjected to the Ice-cold-Gatorade over the head routine. You may choose to violate this rule…but if you do…do not expect to see any playing time during the game. And DO expect to be a tackling dummy if you are in football.
8.)*****Now...we come to the post slap comment. One must note that it is critical that all remarks must be made in a hearty manly voice and not a "shy girly" one. Anything to the effect's "Good Job", "Great Play", and "Way to shut them down!" is perfectly acceptable. While on the other hand, "Well, that was really firm and scrumptious", "I know who I want to play "Chase the Doodoo" with tonight." and "Who are you? The Pilsbery dough boy? Cause that's the best bun I've had in a long time." is not.
This concludes the rules for the BUTT SLAPPING RITUAL. Additions to the rules maybe included in the future. But if you fallow this guide…you should be safe from all beatings and labels.
Now with the warning out of the way…I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping up with the blog site. So I’ll fill here for the past week. Yes…this will be long.
This past Sat…went to basketball…haven’t seen Bobby Hung in a long time. He came out of the bathroom. I greeted him with…”HEY BOB! What’s up!?” And gave him a nice hearty slap on the butt. Bob’s reply was, “WHAT THE G?!” And made an action like he was going to hit me in the chicken. Of course I went with the two handed chicken shield. (I don’t know why we men do this “shield” cause if we get hit in the hand…we end up hitting our own chicken.) After a tense moment…Bob and I both laugh and he walks away. Don’t worry…I didn’t take advantage of him…if fact I bought him Vietnamese “Pho” later on. So in fact…I paid him well for his services. HAHAHAHAHA
For girls reading this…let me explain something before you guys go into. “Don’t all guys touch each other’s butts?” The sad answer is…No…there are only two situations where a guy is allowed to touch another guy’s butt. 1.) If both male parties are gay. (Which I’m not.) 2.) Sports ritual. Now there are rules to the sports ritual…you’ll see where I broke the law…therefore giving Bob the reason to hit my chicken.
The Sports Ritual of Butt Slapping: (number of stars = the importance of the rule) By John Not Gay Wong
1.) ***You may only engage in the butt slapping ritual only after a good sports play has been done. (This is where I broke my rule with Bob…He just came out of the bathroom…therefore no good play was done…therefore showing that I was clearly in violation of rule #1.)
2.) *You may only slap the player’s butt that is currently in the game during the “great play”. There is a slight “sideline/bench” addition to this rule explained in 3. (So you may not slap a player’s butt who’s in the side line with you and exclaim, “great play!”)
3.) **Due to the restrictions of most sports, one cannot just run out to the field/court and slap the player’s butt at will. Here is where we post the sideline time limit law. You may engage in the butt slap as the player/players come back to the sideline during a timeout or substitution. Here…if the team has been doing well in general…the “butt slap” greeter may slap all incoming player’s butt. The time limit is only when the players are coming out during the game. Therefore you are in violation if you do the butt slap 5 years later at a high school reunion.
4.) *****There is a time limit in how long you can keep your hand on the butt. The butt slap must be clean and crisp in its duration. You may not keep your hand there for longer than a second. The longest this guy’s ever gotten it was 7 seconds. On Phil Sexual Chocolate Hsu…after 5 seconds Phil asked with a slightly agitated voice, “What are you doing!?!?” Before knocking my hand off and then walking as far away from me as possible. It’s all okay…that was to show Ting the effects of a person violating rule 4. Now I don’t recommend everyone doing this. Phil is a close and personal friend…we play smear the queer this past Tuesday. So we are pretty tight. And that’s the only reason why I didn’t get beat down in the spot.
5.) ****Location must be all cheek. There will be no touching of the other player’s crack. Your player is not a drug dealer…and even if he was…I’m sure that’s not the type of crack he would want to be dealing to you. The only exception to the rule is in football…when the middle linebacker is hiking the ball to the QB. Even this has rules…if you pay attention…the QB during this time is paying attention to everything else except for the guys butt.
6.) *********THERE WILL BE NO SQUEEZING OF THE FINGERS WHILE IN CONTACT WITH THE PLAYERS BUTT! I REPEAT! NO SQUEEZING, NO TWITCHING, NO CIRCULAR MOTIONING, OR FONDELING OF THE OTHER PLAYER’S BUTT! No matter how you try to explain yourself…you will get beat.
7.) ****The coach’s butt is off limits at all times. And he may only be subjected to the Ice-cold-Gatorade over the head routine. You may choose to violate this rule…but if you do…do not expect to see any playing time during the game. And DO expect to be a tackling dummy if you are in football.
8.)*****Now...we come to the post slap comment. One must note that it is critical that all remarks must be made in a hearty manly voice and not a "shy girly" one. Anything to the effect's "Good Job", "Great Play", and "Way to shut them down!" is perfectly acceptable. While on the other hand, "Well, that was really firm and scrumptious", "I know who I want to play "Chase the Doodoo" with tonight." and "Who are you? The Pilsbery dough boy? Cause that's the best bun I've had in a long time." is not.
This concludes the rules for the BUTT SLAPPING RITUAL. Additions to the rules maybe included in the future. But if you fallow this guide…you should be safe from all beatings and labels.
